The other day a mom asked me if I have a program for “difficult parents.” Indeed, and I’m at the head of the class! In fact, that’s the gist of today’s 180-degree difference tip for parents raising challenging children: Instead of being your child’s teacher, become your child’s student.
Make this switch and parenting is an adventure, not a chore.
Take the father of the first guy to win a million on the game show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” One might give a lot of credit to this father for the son’s success, and rightly so. But read on.
The son made it all the way to the million dollar question, and he still had a lifeline. Hearing the final question, the straight-faced son told Regis, “I need to phone a friend, my Dad.” When they got his father on the line, the son said, “Dad, I don’t need your help. I just wanted you to be the first to know that I am going to win a million dollars.” Then he hung up and gave the correct answer to become the show’s first millionaire.
That moment was replayed on the primetime comeback of the show recently, with the son and father in the audience. When Regis made a quip about it, the father said, “My son never has needed my help.”
Wow.
He said it with an accepting smile, an amazed shrug, and the audience laughed. I say he’s on to something big – something researchers are just confirming.
The Aug. 16 New York Times article, “Your Baby is Smarter than you Think,” discussed new research, including these intriguing findings:
- In some ways, babies are smarter than adults, overturning decades of prior beliefs that babies are blank slates with little reasoning ability;
- Babies understand and act on probabilities, which requires advanced reasoning skills to detect, recall and predict patterns;
- Children learn more through natural interaction with a parent than a toy, proving the best education is entirely built-in and budget-friendly.
So back to the father of the millionaire son: I wonder just how long it took him to “get” that his son didn’t need his help. How many times did he attempt to help his son, invited or not? Did he ever force help upon his son – you know, to save his son or himself time, effort, failure and embarrassment? How many times were his feelings hurt when his son rejected his help?
I recall daydreaming about all the stuff I was going to teach my boys. Heaven must’ve been in stitches, knowing the lessons in store for me. Because it’s now quite clear that parenthood is my greatest teacher.
Here are some ongoing lessons I’m learning from my FDC (formerly difficult child) and his little brother. Of course, like all good students, my aim with ENERGYPARENTING is to surpass my teachers. Let me know if any of these resonate with what’s happening in your home:
- PATIENCE – My kids taught me the formula to expand one’s patience is “Current Capacity + 1.” So if I’m energizing through 10 messes a day, you can be sure the day will bring 11, and a mom who had to reset herself. ENERGYPARENTING helps me transcend incremental growth by simply not counting. Not just messes, but mess-ups too. Hey, what a concept! The key to infinite patience and joy is living in the present moment. That necessitates letting go of the past moment – every second and split second of it. Completely. The reason “history repeats itself” so often is because conventional wisdom admonishes us to keep remembering it. The energetic truth is that BY remembering, BY “keeping it alive,” as we so aptly call it, we hinder our ability to create a new now and better future.
- HONOR – is it my way or the highway? Or is there space for my children to do things differently than me; to do things their way? Can I allow them to demonstrate the type of intelligence in which they excel and I may be weak, such as spatial, kinesthetic and mathematical? Or must they relate to me logically and linguistically, where I am most comfortable? If I am “being the approach,” and relying on ENERGYPARENTING recognitions, then I have the skills to observe/discover the child’s reasoning. Connect the dots and our children’s actions always make perfect sense from their point of view – sometimes uncommonly intelligent sense from any vantage point. For example, the 4-year-old *had* to clear the table in one sweeping arm motion to lose no time in discovering Newton’s first law of motion by experimenting with a box of cake mix as a jump and testing various ramp materials. “See, Mommy? The paper doesn’t work. The placemat doesn’t work. But the folder works. It’s stronger. The car climbs the folder and jumps the cake mix box if I put it right here at the edge of the table. But it doesn’t work if I put it over there.” No wonder these small scientists are oblivious and incredulous when we react to the mess and miss the mystery. Perhaps I need a sign in my home that says, “Note to Parents: Stand aside and be amazed: I am discovering how the universe works!”
- RESPECT – It’s easy to demand from small ones, and harder to reciprocate. So I wonder, what does an adult respecting a child look like? Do the rules apply to the whole family? Do I demand full attention, but then multi-task, text, cell, withhold eye contact? Do I reply before my stammering preschooler finishes expressing himself? Do you answer for the pondering teenager instead of simply giving ample time for thoughts to be composed? Do I expect immediate answers and actions but consistently say, “In a minute” or “Later” or “Just wait,” to theirs? Double standards never pass the integrity test at my house. Please don’t misunderstand the reference here: I am not saying that children and adults are alike and rules apply across the board. Kids require more sleep than adults, so early bedtimes are a rule. It’s just that many of us raising intense children must produce the vetted research to back up any such claim. Of course, that’s exactly the kind of investigative fact-checking that earns my respect! (And which I hope my children apply just as diligently to information from friends and advertisements!)
Children arrive eager to explore and express their questions, opinions and observations – some at the Ph.D. level. If we’re open to learning from them, our children can propel us to grow in faith, clarify our values and firm up our intentions for the family.
You see, here’s the big secret about ENERGYPARENTING: to transform your challenging child, you must transform your parenting and yourself in the process. So, the lessons of ENERGYPARENTING are for adults. But you figured that out long ago, didn’t you!
Becoming a good student of your child, courtesy of ENERGYPARENTING principles and tools, is the shortest route to raising children who know who they are, why they are on the planet, how to fend for themselves, respect themselves and others, and move confidently in the direction of their dreams.
To Your Greatness in Student Parenthood.