Chances are if there’s a timer in a conspicuous spot in a home with young children, it’s working double time. It sounds the alarm when the cookies are baked to perfection and it also signals freedom for a misbehaving child in time-out.
Conventional parenting recommends matching the child’s years in minutes for time-outs. So a 5 year old child serves a 5-minute time out; a 3 year old a 3-minute time out and so on.
However, just like everything else about ENERGYPARENTING, we like to do a 180-degree shift with timers, and time-outs, for that matter. Our time-outs are nothing close to conventional, and we don’t recommend timing them. Rather than punishment, our time-outs are all about helping a child to reset to positivity and greatness just as quickly as they’re able. Sometimes a child can reset himself instantly, before a parent even finishes saying the word ‘reset’ or ‘time-out.’ Most of the time, a child can reset in seconds rather than minutes.
But don’t toss your timer! Let’s just spin it 180 degrees too, and use it to remind us when it’s time to energize our kids.
In that context, we love the formula of matching the frequency of energizers to the child’s age. So the parent of a 5-year-old would seek that child out every five minutes whenever they’re together to energize the child’s success; a 3-year-old every three minutes; and a 14-year-old every 14 minutes, etc.
Conventional parenting, along the lines of ‘let sleeping dogs lie,’ says if the kids are quiet, leave them alone and get some of your to-do items crossed off your list. Of course, 15 minutes later, when there’s an eruption, the conventional model goes, then the parent has to intervene, meting out warnings, lectures and discipline to the offender(s) in what we call an energy-rich exchange that’s based in negativity and reinforces failure for the child.
It only takes a few seconds to energize success.The ENERGYPARENT does the opposite. These moms and dads seek out their children when all’s quiet. That’s when they engage their sons and daughters in a few seconds of transformative energy exchange that fills their child’s heart and nourishes the spirit. The child feels seen, feels known for who she is at her best, and is energized to the core. This child doesn’t need to create an eruption to get her battery recharged by the manufacturer.
Mastering the techniques of energizing a child’s success is key to transforming a challenging child. Howard Glasser carefully crafted three recognition techniques that deeply energize a child. Energizing is deeper than attention; it’s imparting, connecting and establishing a relationship between parent and child that’s stronger than super glue and based in the child’s greatness. Howie’s recognition techniques work like magic to pull a challenging child from negativity to positivity and to recreate in the child’s heart and mind a new self image that is based on greatness and success. Not future greatness. Not potential success. We’re talking about being able to truthfully reflect his or her greatness and success in this present moment – an indelible firsthand experience that can’t be refuted. “Johnny, I noticed that you didn’t grab your toy back when your brother took it, even though I can see you really want it back right now. You’re showing self control and that’s a quality of great character.” ENERGYPARENTING members learn the principles and techniques to energize in Foundational Principles and Phase 1 of the ENERGYPARENTING classroom.
When you use our techniques for energizing success you’re going to find, among other things, that your child will calm down, be more affectionate with you and repeat the behaviors that drew your energizing relationship.
When parents, educators and therapists learn to see a child in the moment and appreciate out loud what’s going right and what isn’t go wrong, the transformation begins. The more skillful we become at energizing success, the quicker we ignite the child’s greatness.
So, until it becomes a habit, set your timer as a reminder to energize your child on a regular basis. Hey, it’s quiet at my house! Must be time to energize!