If everything you say to your child has the opposite effect of what you had in mind, your timing may be culprit.
The best “Tuesdays with Morrie” life lessons will backfire between the eardrum and the brain if they’re offered to your child at the wrong time, especially if yours is a challenging or ADHD child.
Unfortunately, the conventional parenting model is hard-wired for bad timing. With most of us having been raised under that model ourselves, that means it’s our default parenting style.
Conventional parenting has parents attempting to teach the rules when they are being broken and important character qualities when they are not happening.
That usually produces the exact opposite of what the parent expects, because the challenging child pays more attention to the energy and context of a situation than words.
Here are two examples to illustrate conventional timing for teaching rules and values/character; then we’ll go over them again with the perfect timing model.
Question: When do we teach children about rules?
Answer: Usually when a child has just broken one.
Example: Your child says something that is disrespectful.
Typical parental reaction: “Johnny, that was disrespectful. I’m sure you didn’t mean it. Say you’re sorry right now.” Perhaps parents can chide an easier-to-raise child into at least feigning an apology; but most likely the challenging child will not apologize and, if pressed, will defend his statement. That’s about the time the parent apologizes on behalf of the child and makes haste to get some special one-on-one time with the offender to explain in copious detail exactly why disrespect is not OK.
While this parent is absolutely well-intentioned and hoping that the child internalizes the lesson of “next time I’ll be respectful,” what’s much more likely is that child downloads a firsthand experience of, “I am disrespectful.”
Next question: When do we teach values?
Answer: Generally, when a child has just demonstrated its opposite.
Example: It’s your daughter’s responsibility to feed Fluffy, the puppy. You come home to find Fluffy whining at the pantry door where her food is stored and acting very hungry. Meanwhile, your daughter is in the living room watching TV. You power off the TV and sit down for a sincere heart-to-heart. “Did you forget something, Elizabeth? Something you promised to do? If you can’t be responsible, we can’t keep the dog.”
The parent hopes to instill the importance of taking seriously our responsibilities, with the intention that the child will try harder the next time to be responsible. But this child’s download is more likely, “I’m not responsible. I can’t be trusted.”
What both of these scenarios have in common is completely wrong timing. Repeat the poor timing enough times, and the child cements a self image of not only “I am disrespectful” or “I am not irresponsible,” but eventually extends the concept further, believing, “I am bad.”
Children follow our lead as they learn, assimilate and eventually integrate the values we introduce to them. What we give our energy to is what is reinforced in the child.
Here’s how the parents in the above examples could use timing to energize the values they want to grow in their children:
So in the preceding example about respect the parent with perfect timing could help Johnny recognize that he IS respectful by noticing something as simple as saying ‘Hello’ properly to an adult. “Johnny, thank you for greeting Mrs. Smith so politely. That shows respect.” Or perhaps Johnny shows respect for himself, his friends or his pets. That’s OK; start there. Specific comments that show how the child is demonstrating respect as a desired attribute offer the child irrefutable evidence that, indeed, he is a child who shows respect.
In the other example, the time to expound on the merits of responsibility is when Elizabeth does feed the dog. “You are taking your responsibility seriously, Elizabeth. That shows me that you are a person who can be trusted. I respect that quality in you, and Fluffy is very happy too.”
Parents can easily miss the perfectly-timed opportunities to reinforce great character qualities because these are simply expected behaviors. But don’t assume that your child knows he is behaving great, good or even OK. Your child is in the process of developing impressions about himself and life. A child who has been living out a predominantly negative pattern of behavior for some time may well be under the impression, at any given moment, that he or she is doing something wrong, or not doing anything particularly positive. Help such a child size up both new and familiar situations in a favorable light.
That starts with seeing and saying what’s right in your child’s life: expected behaviors that you take for granted, and rules that aren’t being broken and expressing appreciation for them.
But how does a parent avoid reinforcing disrespect or irresponsibility – or any of the undesired values – when the child is displaying those behaviors?
The short answer is, holding neutral energy, give a consequence. That means simply saying, “time-out” or “reset” to the child in a completely neutral tone of voice and manner and turning away physically. No warnings, no lectures or lessons at that time. Then, in the very next moment, turning back to the child and pointing and clicking on a new success.
To get your timing right, just do a 180-degree shift from the conventional model so that you’re teaching the rules when they are being followed and expounding on important character qualities in the moment that they are happening.
As long as your lectures are given when things are going right, your timing is right and you’ll get the right results.