Parents of challenging children often come to their wits end because the child adopts a behavior – or two or three or four- that gets their goat. Instantly. Every time.
Maybe it’s lying or stealing or door-slamming and obscenity-shouting.
Parents struggling to raise an intense child get beat up a lot, mentally, emotionally, sometimes physically. By the time they get to the Nurtured Heart Approach, they’ve usually tried many things to turn the child around, with no lasting success. They can justifiably feel used, abused and fried. Sunny side up isn’t on the menu any more.
So imagine the couple’s reaction when NHA founder Howard Glasser says. “You’ve told me how upset you are with Billy. I’m looking at Billy right now. Is he being aggressive right this second? Is he calling anybody names? Is he using profanity? Could you tell him how much you appreciate him right now for NOT doing any of those things that are so upsetting to you?”
Can you feel the tension in the room? Can you feel time and space expand into infinity while the parents decide what to do next? What would you do?
Billy’s father breaks the silence. “Billy, you are sitting here with us and not being aggressive. You’re not calling anyone names. You’re not using profanity. That means a lot to me, son.”
Billy’s mother continues: “I see you too, Billy. Right now you’re not hitting anyone or anything. You’re not disrupting or being disrespectful. I see you exercising self control, and I want you to know how much I appreciate that.”
A standing ovation for these parents, please! In 10 seconds, they’ve changed the whole dynamics of the relationship. For starters:
- The parents’ awareness. It took a 180-degree detour from the perception of Billy doing those unwanted behaviors “all the time” to recognizing that, in truth, it was not 24/7.
- The child’s defenses. It’s hard to reject the truth of the moment. Perhaps the child believed he was “always bad,” and this interchange is the first spray of Windex to hit the mirror that he’s been searching for a true reflection of himself.
- The energy in the relationship. It went from highly negative and adversarial to positive and appreciative. That’s a tangible change.
They go home happy, but what about the goats?
Someone has said, “If you’ve got a goat to get, it’s gonna get got.” Or maybe we just made that up.
The point is, parents making their 180-degree shift often ask questions that can be summed up, “How do I handle my goats?”
How do I diffuse MY anger? How do I reset MYSELF? How do I truly let an ugly moment fade into the past and move into the next one free of it?
What’s your goat protection or goat management strategy? We’ll compile your tips and strategies here:
And here’s my thought: We want our challenging children to exercise self control and grow in their ability to handle strong emotions well. Can we ask any less of ourselves? So breathe in…hang on to your goat, and congratulate yourself on being a great example for your child!
To Your Goat-Keeping Greatness!